Patterns

Pat-tern [pat-ern; Brit. pat-n] –noun

A combination of qualities, acts, tendencies, etc., forming a consistent or characteristic arrangement: the behavior patterns of teenagers.

According to the dictionary definition above, I think I have fallen into a bad pattern. Especially when it comes to the men I date. Can I actually use that word if the man in question already has a boyfriend?

My loyal reader(s) know(s) that relationships and my love life have been a constant source for fodder for this blog. If I were a stand up comedian, writing a screenplay or Carrie Bradshaw, then all the drama would be great. You know what they say, “Write what you know!” But I’m not!

Here’s the scoop! I am currently seeing this guy. It’s not a typical relationship. He has a boyfriend, and they are in an open-relationship. For those readers who don’t know what that means, let me explain. While the couple has been together for over 12 years, and owns 3 properties together; they are allowed to have sex with other people individually or bring “guest stars” into their bedroom. I can hear all the straight readers now, but don’t think that this kind of thing only exists in the gay community. We all saw the episode of “Brothers & Sisters” where Nora’s new love interest announced that he and his wife were in an open relationship.

In the beginning I was just into it for the sex. The guy is very much my type, very sexy, a great lay, sexy salt and pepper hair, tattoos and piercings. And for the first few encounters it was purely about getting off. Very animalistic, man on man sex. But then the texting, phone calls, coffee dates and dinners started to happen. We definitely have grown quite close. And it wasn’t just one sided. I know he was “falling” for me, too. Perhaps he has watched one to many episodes of “Big Love”, but you can’t have a harem of lovers. Well you can, they obviously do in Utah. But you shouldn’t, right?

As you know, I recently had surgery. And the drama that’s been involved there is enough to write a book! Or at least a few blog posts (see below). Anyway, the man in question has been very supportive and concerned with my well being. Which is sweet and nice, and I greatly appreciate it. But at the end of the day, what does it leave me with? Heart ache.

And then it went to a whole new level. We got together the Friday night before my surgery for a little rendezvous at his place. In fact all of our “meetings” have taken place in his bed. The one he sleeps in at night with his lover! But usually after the deed is done I suit back up and head home. Occasionally we’ve spent a few post coital moments together, but this last time that fleeting moment lasted into the night, and I ended up sleeping over. We spooned like two lovers in love. And I am not going to lie – I enjoyed every minute of it.

But in the morning I was forced to make the walk of shame. In fact, he had me wait until the neighbors were out of the hall. His lover is on the co-op board after all. And what would the neighbors think?

And this is where I see the pattern in my life. Why do I continue to devalue myself and allow myself to get sucked into these crappy relationships?

The therapist in me thinks the following:

I am incapable of accepting real love, so I engage in relationships with people who are unavailable and treat me with little or no respect.

This next tidbit might help prove the former? A few weeks back I broke up with a guy that I had been seeing for about 2 1/2 months. He was really into me. He hung on every word that I said, and did that annoying head tilt. You can picture it, right? His eyes all sparkling as hey took in every syllable. And for some reason it just really bothered me. Everyone asked, “Are you sure you really want a boyfriend?” And my honest answer is “Yes.” But I just wasn’t that into him. And I can’t explain why.

So where does this all leave me? Frankly, at home alone on a Friday night, writing this blog posting – that maybe 3 people will read. But seriously, it leaves me feeling kind of sad. But as I pointed out at the top of the post, I am stuck in a very bad pattern. But at least I’ve recognized that I have a pattern. And knowing – as G.I. Joe taught us – is half the battle, right??