Will Lunesta really turn off the voices in my head so I can sleep at night?

I have problems sleeping at night. I am sure that this is a culmination of several factors.

1) My sleep habits
2) My mind won’t turn off
3) I need a new bed

So I have attempted to address these problems in an effort to get a great night’s sleep.

I will admit that I stay up late and try to get up early in the morning. Please note the word “try”. I usually hit the snooze button about fifteen times before I actually get out of bed. Why don’t I just set the alarm for later? Right?

I usually get sleepy when I get home from work, but I resist the urge to catnap, knowing full well that if I do, I’ll be up all night. I have always been a night owl. I love the nightlife and I worked in theater for 10 years – my day was usually split in two: school/day job then 5-8 shows a week at night. I was always hyped up when I came home from rehearsal or a performance. This always made the next day hard – burning the candle at both ends will do that to you.

Since that time, I have taken to late nights out on the town and late-night television. I just can’t seem to get myself to bed at normal times. And weekends are even worse. I’ll stay up till dawn and sleep until way past noon. My poor body just doesn’t know what to do with itself.

My mind is always thinking, usually crazy thoughts about how much I hate life and the world…so imagine what it does when I attempt to go to bed early. The silence is filled with the insane ramblings of my unsettled mind. My work/life drama seems to be the current fodder for my nightly monologues. In an effort to silence the voice, I have turned to drugs – don’t worry, no intervention needed. I am just taking an occasional Ambien (I know the headline mentions Lunesta, but my doctor gave me Ambient instead. I have only used three so far. And while they do knock me out, I feel groggy the entire next day. Like I am in a haze. So those aren’t really helping, now are they?

Last weekend, I went bed shopping. I’ve been sleeping on the same $160 mattress since I moved to NYC in 1997. I assume it is time to put old Bessie out to pasture. So on said shopping trip I went to Sleepy’s (the mattress professionals) where I fell in love with a $3000 mattress and box spring. Those who know me, know that I would never spend that much on a bed, and now I have tasked myself with finding a comparable bed that costs much less.

So the vicious cycle continues, my back is sore so I don’t sleep through the night, I think about how much a new bed costs and freak out about the money and don’t sleep at night, I taken another Ambien and feel exhausted the next day and the drama continues…

A-List, I am Not

It has recently occurred to me that I am not on the A-list. In fact, I am not even on Kathy Griffin's D-list. I am not on any list period.

For a long time I spent my life being a +1 - My friends used to get all the invites and I was their escort. But lately, I am not even a +1.

Here I am in NYC, center of the world, and I haven't been to a party in months.

I know I really shouldn't complain (but I will anyways). I mean I have been extremely lucky over the years. I've gone to record release parties, launch parties, Broadway opening nights, Museum/Gallery openings, sat front row at a few concerts and had many a night of celebrity watching. My friend Rey recently lamented about having to attend these functions, I would trade places with him any day!

Last week was Fashion Week in NYC - the one frontier that I have yet to conquer. Seriously, who do I have to know to get a ticket for a fashion show at the Tents in Byrant Park. I didn't even get my usual invites to designers (who no ones ever heard of) showing outside the tents or any after parties this year, either.

This all has me worried. I know that my career change (conservative + financial services = death!) has affected my status in the scene. Not that I was ever a big player – re-read above. But, why bother living in the biggest (not to mention most expensive) city in the world, if I am not going to party like a rock star. I might as well settle down and move to the burbs.

Can you picture me living in the suburbs, with a mini van and 2.5 children. Me either! So some thing has got to give!

Fresh Popped Culture

It is rare that I ever read GQ magazine - actually having just read a copy yesterday I am convinced that advertisers think that the readership is mostly gay. Check out the current issue on newstands now - it features Heath Ledger on the cover (oh boy another reference to the gays - Broke Back Mountain!! - Did I miss the memo that this was a gay rag?) On the very last page of the magazine, GQ wrote an open-letter to Nick Lachey. It is so brilliant and funny! And honestly, it had some great advice for the ex-Mr. Jessica Simpson! Click here!

Speaking of the Simpsons (and I don't mean Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie), has anyone seen Ashlee Simpson's new video for L.O.V.E. I think she is channeling Gwen Stafanie in this song/video. Is there anything original left in the music world?

And while I am on the topic of Pop-Tarts (I love the cherry-filled, icing topped ones the most) Last fall Virgin records released a new artist named Hope Partlow...her stellar marketing team was able to land her an appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. I went to her website yesterday to see if she would be performing in town anytime soon. But alas all good thing must come to an end. It turns out the she has been dropped from the label. Check out her journal entry for Jan 2,2006 - she's not bitter, lol. Unfortunately, the 16 year-old is now waiting tables at a local restaurant in her home town! Fame is so fleeting.

Hey There You With The Stars In Your Eyes

I really don’t know what to believe anymore. Is our life on a fated course or do we have influence over the outcomes in our lives? And if we are in charge of our own destiny, what other factors might come into play?

I ask these question because for the past few years I have been reading Susan Miller’s Astrology Zone website each month to see what the stars have in mind for me.

Can it be true that the planets, sun and moon are all important forces in our lives?

I missed my monthly forecast for January, but read it after the fact. The stars predicted that I would travel to a far away destination. She listed off a few places – "The holidays are over and you need a vacation. Spin your compass: Bali? Rio? Aspen?" – well low and behold I had just returned from Rio! Coincidence? Am I reading too much into this stuff?

This was not the first time Susan’s predictions were dead on. Another example took place back in 2003. I was laid off from my job, and again I went to see what Susan had to say about the month – she mentioned something happening at work, possibly a lay-off. Several other times she has made some startling predictions that have come to pass.

The reason I ask these questions is that this month’s forecast hit home. Apparently, due to some specific planetary alignments and a few full moons, February is the month for me to set the wheels in motion career wise. Anyone who knows me knows that this is the biggest factor plaguing my life right now. While I may have a decent paying at the moment, I don’t consider it a career. My career end about 2 ½ years ago and I’ve been in survival mode ever since.

What troubles me is that this news only serves to frustrate me. The rules of astrology work in mysterious ways. When the stars are right, it is time to act. And only if you take control of your actions (with aid the from the planets) then you can succeed!

The problem is I am so frustrated on where to even begin. I lack guidance from any kind of mentor. I’ve never been able to find someone to help me in this career journey. Sure I could hire a career coach but do I really want to pay someone to help me? And can they really guarantee success? Probably not!

So as always I pose the question to the masses (all three of you who read this blog) – what should I do? According to Susan, time is limited and I only have the first few weeks of February to set the course of my future.

Help!